This is the language I'm speaking and have to speak everyday. In the virtual world I could speak Japanese, and I was very happy to talk to you in Japanese. I just wanted to share the time with you, so I was pretending I was from somewhere in Japan. Sometimes I said I was from Tokyo where I was born and grown up. Sometimes I said I was from the northern land because the direction that I'm living now is the north. People who didn't care where I was living didn't ask from where I was connecting to Internet. Actually, I was relieved because I could think the guy I was talking to just wanted to enjoy chatting with me.

However, the majority did not. It was very important that who I was, where I was from, what I did, and what my sex was. At first, I responded every time I was asked and every time I met people who met me first time, but one day I was sick of answering the same question again and again, and sick of poeple who always care my occupation, my age, my gender, and etc. I know poeple tried to find common. If they find it, it would be a clue to start to talk, but it doesn't always work obviously.

I don't care how you imagine me, but I don't want to be fitted into your image. I guess you don't like the parson who is like me. Whatever you say, this is moose. This is I. I don't want to be forced to do anything against what I want to.

Actually, I made up myself a little bit and my profile because I had thought nobody would give me an extra question. The result turned out what I thought.

One day I entered a chat room with my fake profile. It worked. I was not asked anything other than where I was from. I lied. I was pretending to be from Tokyo. The more that I spent time to chat with them, the guiltier I was getting to feel because I was cheating on them. They believed what I said.

In the virtual world you can be whatever you want, but it's against my policy. I want to be myself always. That's why I confessed to the hostess of the chat room the next day. She understood and thanked me for confessing. I was happy that she didn't get mad at me.

However, my happiness didn't last long. I had forgotten that Japanese chat rooms were based on Japanese society. Even the chat rooms, it was a small Japanese society. There are many people who don't want me to do anything against their stereotype. I had to be fitted into their stereotype. Men do like men, women do like women. This is what they want. They don't care what my personality and my character are. For me it sounds stupid, but many people want it. Unfortunately, I didn't realize it.

In the place I'm living now there are not many Japanese. Looking around here, there's no Japanese actually. Maybe you cannot imagine how I'm isolated. Sometimes I want to say what I'm thinking and feeling as much as I want from the bottom of my heart in my own language.

I have not spoken any Japanese words since I made this Home Page. I'd like to ask somebody visit my site when I made this page. I thought if I got into a chat room, I could ask somebody to visit my site. So I started to chat. Actually, I wanted to speak Japanese sometimes. That was another reason to enter a chat room. At first, everybody treated me nicely because they didn’t know who I was. However, time going by and getting to know each other, things were changed. The words I was said made me shocked and got me back to the reality. Last night I thought it was time to get back to the reality and to quit chatting, so this morning I went to the chat room that I'm showing up lately to say good-bye. The members in the chat room asked me to show up. It was a very sweet offer. I want to chat with them, too. So, I'm going to show up to the chat room, but not the other room. I'm so sorry and thank you for chatting with me for a while. I enjoyed myself very much.

I'm wondering if you don't get what I want to say. It's still pretty hard for me to tell you what I want to say. That's why I want to tell something in Japanese.

This is what I think today.

Quizás no hay mucha gente que entiende esta ideoma. Pienzo que la gente entendiendo esta idea es que me entcontré hace siete años donde yo viví. Entonces voy a escribir en esta ideoma. Lo que quiero es que paso tiempo muy contento. Desafortunadamente, como lo que escribo arriva, todavía es muy duro comunicar en inglés. A veces quiero decir lo que quiero sin ningún problema de lengua. Quiero hablar en la lengua madre. Es la unica posiblidad participar en el haitación del chat. Si viviera en el piso con conpañeros, no me ocurría ese tipo del problema. Aunque mi inglés no fuera bueno, podría decir algo todos los dias y no me sentiría aisolado tanto como me siento ahora. Echo de menos la viva allí. Era el tiempo maravilloso. Lo unico consuelo es que todos los japoneses no son como la persona que me dijo las parabras que no quiero escuchar.

Escibir en esta ideoma es muy duro para mi. Desde hace mucho tiempo, no la he utilizado. Pero estoy muy contento tener oportunidades utilizarla. Gracias por leer. ¡Que os vaya bien!

ち〜、はぐ、ニル、今朝は本当にありがとう。ちょーうれしかったよ。かなりへこんでたからねぇ。上に何書いてあるか訳わかんないと思うけど、気にしないでね。今日みんなにいったことをちょっと書いただけだから。誤解を生まないように先にいっておくけど、今朝話したことと全部が全部一緒ってことはないからね。でもほとんど一緒。

ちー、ムースはちゃんとちーとの約束、ちゃんと守るからね。もしかしたらちーはこれ読んでないかもしれないけど、きっと誰かが読んでると思うの。でね、その人が今日ちーと約束したことを覚えれると思うから、ムースが約束を守ったかどうかを見届けてくれると思ってる。そうしたらムースが約束を守ったかどうかわかるもんね。

今日のお昼休みは上に書いたことをずーっと書いてたから、詩を考えなかったよ。しばらく詩もエッセーもアップすることは出来ないかな？でもこの日記だけは書いていくつもりだから。昨日はあまりにも短かったから今日は長々と書こうと思うんだけど、ちょっと難しいなぁ。これといって変化のある日々じゃないから。きっと近いうちに何か書きた〜いって思う日が来るだろうからその時まで待っててね。 今日のチャットはお休み。そろそろ現実の世界に戻らないとね。１０日間、本当長々とチャットしたなぁ。最後は「やっぱり…」って結果になっちゃたけど、楽しかったし、居心地よかった。ちょっとだけ気分が良くなったし、また現実に戻れるよ。しばらく現実を離れてネットの世界に住んだけど、ムースには住みづらいところかもしれないなぁ。ネットも現実もバカ正直に生きるとイヤな思いをすることがあるからね。偽りの自分のままでいた方が傷つくこともなく平気でいられるからね。だって何を言われたって本当の自分じゃないから、裏でアッカンベーってしてればいいんだから。ただそれが出来なかったからちょっと大変だったよ。もちろん世の中にはいろいろな人がいるし、等身大のムースを受け入れてくれる人もたくさんいるし。そういう人との出会えたのは本当によかったし、だからこそ自分に正直に生きられるのかなぁーなんて思っちゃった。

断酒はついに記録更新！今日で９日目だもんねぇ。ついこの間までは「飲みたいなぁ」って思うことが多かったけど、今はほとんどないなぁ。いい傾向だね。お酒に頼ることなく、自分をしっかり持って、人生を歩んでいこう。生き方はとぉーっても下手かもしれないけど、下手な人なりにがんばって生きてるので、これからもよろしくご支援のほどよろしくお願いします。