preface to my life story
I want to recover from my depression but it also means to recover I have to change my wrongful thinking and warped view. I will have to face my fear and all negative feeling. Those feelings like sadness,anger, hostility jealousy and grudges.
These negative feelings I always tried to hide and now have to admit, have been unsuccessful in hiding them. So my thinking is distorted now.
I do not think changing mind is enough, I really need to let it go...have to accept all my feelings and hug myself.
If I could hold myself lovingly I believe gradually and clearly I will change my personality, character and my life.
Now I cannot believe in myself and I do not believe there's a future. So most things for me are destructive, spiteful and dreadful.
I know most people have kind mind and people in my present surroundings are so warm.But my fear and thinking do not allow me to believe it.
I feel too terrified to believe, good, happy positive things. Because I have forced myself to believe everything is so dreadful this has become a natural thing to me.
I thought I must not cry, I must not rely, I must not ask for help, I must not get angry I must not hate ......etc...
And these are my charm against evil things as well a curse for myself.
These tied up my thinking so fast, I could not even breathe.
I want to be free and I want to believe myself and in tomorrow.
So I decided to write my story in as much detail as I possibly can to sort and clear my things out.
Then I want to think who I am, what I feel now,where am I going and where do I want to go and can do
In the end I hope I can reverse my intention and thinking too.
I need to do this for my life and I have not been able to do this. I want to get my life back.
I only have today and do not want to live in my wild disorted destructive place any more.
I want to forgive me and forgive my hateful past and to taste all things of life. I want to love, and believe in people.
So please forgive my nasty, miserable, gloomy writing , I realise now I need some help to do this.

Please forgive my selfish thinking

I hope these actions will also help you.

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